How Anger Can Destroy A Relationship
Author : Tony Fiore
"Dr Fiore," the voice on the phone pleaded, "I need anger management classes right away I blew up at my girlfriend last night and she said it's over until I get help "
As Kevin recounted the first night of anger management class, he and his girlfriend had argued in the car over which route to take home from a party Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling and name calling
Things escalated at home He tried to escape, but she followed him from room to room,demanding resolution of the conflict He became angry, defensive and intimidating Frightened, she left
Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but couldn't deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts
Kevin said that he normally is a very "nice" and friendly person But, on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before the party In his view, she was irrational, and non-stop in criticism He tried to reason with her, but it just made things worse Finally, as Kevin saw things,in desperation he "lost it" and became enraged
How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have done differently? What actions should you take in similar situations?
OPTION 1:RETEAT AND THINK THINGS OVER
Take a 20 minute time-out (but commit to returning later to work on the issue) Take a walk
Calm yourself down Breath deeply Meditate Do something else for awhile New reasearch by John Gottman, Ph D , at the University of Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your pulse rate goes high,and you enter a physiological state called DPA (diffuse physiological arousal) Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve the problem You lose perspective Your reasoning ability, memory, and judgment, greatly decline
Retreating and thinking things over allows both of you to return to your normal state of mind It is neither healthy or necessary for you to explode as a result of being provoked by your partner Our recommendation: Turn the heat down rather than intensifying the pressure
OPTION 2: INTERACT DIFFERENTLY
Many couples like Keith and his partner develop patterns of behavior that create miscommunication and conflict Do you interact in one, or more, of these ways?
AVOID THESE NEGATIVE PATTERNS:
INATTENTION - simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn't This is also called stonewalling, or being emotionally unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking to your partner for long periods because you are upset with them
INTIMIDATION-engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do things out of fear This includes yelling, screaming, threatening, and posturing in a threatening way
MANIPULATION-doing or saying things to influence your partner,for your benefit, instead of theirs
HOSTILITY-using sarcasm, put-downs,and antagonistic remarks Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt which is a major predictor of divorce
VENGEANCE- the need to "get even" with your partner for a grievance you have against them
Many dysfunctional couples "keep score," and are constantly trying to "pay back" each other for offenses
CRITICISM-involves attacking someone's personality or character, rather than a specific behavior, often coupled with blame Like contempt, criticism is a second major predictor of divorce
DEVELOP POSITIVE INTERACTIONS
Start by actually listening not only to what your partner says, but what he or she means
Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather, they listen with their answer running because they are defensive Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of divorce
Stick to the issue at hand Seems obvious but is very hard to do in the heat of battle Focus and stay in the present
LEARN TO FORGIVE
Research by Peter Larson, Ph D , at the Smalley Relationship Center, suggests a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and forgiveness As much as one-third of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!
Communicate your feelings and needs Tell your partner how you feel about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive behavior Use "I" statements rather than accusatory, or "you," statements Learn to communicate unmet needs so that your partner can better understand and respond to you
For instance, If you are feeling fear, it may be your need for emotional safety and security that is not being met; communicating this is far more effective than lashing out at your partner in an angry tirade
Dr Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach provides classes, products and resources for adults, couples,the workplace, and professionals. He can be reached at 714-771-0378.
Syndication Source: Thought Search Articles
"Dr Fiore," the voice on the phone pleaded, "I need anger management classes right away I blew up at my girlfriend last night and she said it's over until I get help "
As Kevin recounted the first night of anger management class, he and his girlfriend had argued in the car over which route to take home from a party Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling and name calling
Things escalated at home He tried to escape, but she followed him from room to room,demanding resolution of the conflict He became angry, defensive and intimidating Frightened, she left
Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but couldn't deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts
Kevin said that he normally is a very "nice" and friendly person But, on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before the party In his view, she was irrational, and non-stop in criticism He tried to reason with her, but it just made things worse Finally, as Kevin saw things,in desperation he "lost it" and became enraged
How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have done differently? What actions should you take in similar situations?
OPTION 1:RETEAT AND THINK THINGS OVER
Take a 20 minute time-out (but commit to returning later to work on the issue) Take a walk
Calm yourself down Breath deeply Meditate Do something else for awhile New reasearch by John Gottman, Ph D , at the University of Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your pulse rate goes high,and you enter a physiological state called DPA (diffuse physiological arousal) Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve the problem You lose perspective Your reasoning ability, memory, and judgment, greatly decline
Retreating and thinking things over allows both of you to return to your normal state of mind It is neither healthy or necessary for you to explode as a result of being provoked by your partner Our recommendation: Turn the heat down rather than intensifying the pressure
OPTION 2: INTERACT DIFFERENTLY
Many couples like Keith and his partner develop patterns of behavior that create miscommunication and conflict Do you interact in one, or more, of these ways?
AVOID THESE NEGATIVE PATTERNS:
INATTENTION - simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn't This is also called stonewalling, or being emotionally unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking to your partner for long periods because you are upset with them
INTIMIDATION-engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do things out of fear This includes yelling, screaming, threatening, and posturing in a threatening way
MANIPULATION-doing or saying things to influence your partner,for your benefit, instead of theirs
HOSTILITY-using sarcasm, put-downs,and antagonistic remarks Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt which is a major predictor of divorce
VENGEANCE- the need to "get even" with your partner for a grievance you have against them
Many dysfunctional couples "keep score," and are constantly trying to "pay back" each other for offenses
CRITICISM-involves attacking someone's personality or character, rather than a specific behavior, often coupled with blame Like contempt, criticism is a second major predictor of divorce
DEVELOP POSITIVE INTERACTIONS
Start by actually listening not only to what your partner says, but what he or she means
Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather, they listen with their answer running because they are defensive Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of divorce
Stick to the issue at hand Seems obvious but is very hard to do in the heat of battle Focus and stay in the present
LEARN TO FORGIVE
Research by Peter Larson, Ph D , at the Smalley Relationship Center, suggests a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and forgiveness As much as one-third of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!
Communicate your feelings and needs Tell your partner how you feel about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive behavior Use "I" statements rather than accusatory, or "you," statements Learn to communicate unmet needs so that your partner can better understand and respond to you
For instance, If you are feeling fear, it may be your need for emotional safety and security that is not being met; communicating this is far more effective than lashing out at your partner in an angry tirade
Dr Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach provides classes, products and resources for adults, couples,the workplace, and professionals. He can be reached at 714-771-0378.
Syndication Source: Thought Search Articles
Filed under: Relationships
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